Who am I?
And a better question might be, why do you care?

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Who am I? I suppose the easier question to start with is: who am I not?

I am not a chef. Although I have had some culinary training, I have never attended a professional culinary school. I have worked in professional kitchens, though not at a high enough level to where I could say I’ve “earned my bones.” I like food, though, and despite a notoriously sensitive stomach, I’m pretty adventurous. I’m pretty damn handy in a kitchen as well.

I’m not a biker. I used to ride a Harley. I used to work in a Harley shop and I used to regularly write for several national motorcycle magazines. I was never a very good rider, though, uncoordinated and small, and I never espoused the biker lifestyle of sex, drugs and (in recent years) law and dentistry.

I’m not a kung fu master, though I like to pretend I am.

I consider myself a musician, though real musicians would disagree. I’ve never been in a band that got organized enough to even play a party. I don’t read music, and I don’t know a dorian scale from a phlyggian scale or a flapjackanarain scale. I don’t remember the last time someone has told me I suck, though.

I guess I would be a writer if I would dedicate more time to writing. But for now I don’t suppose I can claim that title either.

I’m not a New Yorker. I’ve heard it takes ten years to achieve the honorific, so I’m about nine and a half years away from adding that to my resume.

I’m not a Jew. Not really. I like to claim this one because of my somewhat sharp features and barrel chest, but I get my Jewish blood from my father and Judaism being a matrilineal institution and all. That, plus the whole not-believing-in-god thing kind of takes me out of the running for Rabbi of the Year. I suppose my Jewish-ness is a sliding scale, though. When I lived in Virginia, oftentimes I was the most Jewish thing for miles around. Here in NYC, I’m as goyish as a ham sandwich. But if you make an anti-Semitic remark around me, I’ll happily get in your face.

I did NOT have sex with that girl Andrea in college. And frankly I’m surprised you keep bringing it up.

I’m not a techie. People think I am because I used to work at AOL and because I don’t dress very stylishly. I did more editorial and business work, though. I left the tech stuff to the techies, of whom I am not a member.

I'm not a comedian. Though I'm not really a philosopher, either. I don't tell jokes, I just open up myself and funny stuff comes out.

So who am I? Well, what is left? I’m some of that.