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The Maiden Voyage of the Hydro Thunder
by Adam "Rev" Hulnick
Today was the maiden voyage of the boat tentatively named Hydro Thunder. We took the little boat on the river on this fateful Tuesday afternoon, an afternoon that would live in infamy.
It started as simply as any other boat launch. After several false starts, during which the motor seemed loath to start, it finally took off in an explosion of smoke and noise. The little boat shot forward, finally back in its element after so many months on land. Cap'n Cassidy near lost control as the little boat careened across the water, but his years of experience as a nautician* soon had him back in charge.
We tested the vessel's mettle, riding it hard and putting it through the paces. We'd gun it through the water, turn hard, then jump through our own wake, getting the hull five, six, seven feet out of the water. Such was our speed that, as we crashed back to the water, we would skip like a stone and come to rest in smooth waters, far from the churn we had created mere seconds ago.
As we searched the coastline for old logs we could perhaps use as a makeshift ramp, we were spotted by the Coast Guard. Now, Cap'n Cassidy's face is not unknown to the lawmen of the Potomac, and there's many a river-goin' sheriff who'd like to get Cap'n Cassidy beached, so we knew our only option was to outrun them. Luckily, we still had half a tank of the nitro-methane soup that we concocted specifically for our performance vessel. After some quick dodges in and out of the docks, and a very close game of chicken, we left the river cops capsized and cursing our names.
Heading upriver in the hopes of finding a hotdog vendor near enough the river to hear our calls, we saw the flag that is the bane and nightmare of every river boater, the skull and crossed bones of the river pirates. As ours was clearly the highest quality boat on the river, the pirates could not pass up a chance to add it to their collection, take our riches, and feed us to whatever fish are strong or stupid enough to swim in the Potomac. Or so they would try.
As this was meant to be a quick pleasure trip, we had not taken the time to mount the machine gun turret to the bow. An oversight we would regret. It took some very fancy kung fu moves, and not a little trickery, but we left those pirates with little more than a bucket to bail out their sinking boat and splash the water on their burning hull. Cap'n Cassidy wore their nefarious leader's eye patch on his own head as a trophy.
Figuring we had tested our luck sufficiently for one day, we headed back to the dock where we had left the truck and trailer. We were not halfway there, though, when we caught a glimpse of a small head perched on a tall neck peering at us from the water. It was Potomey, Nessie's American cousin. Seeing this as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, we charged at Potomey, hoping to catch it as our own trophy.
It was a struggle that defies description. For all of Cap'n Cassidy's boating skill, and my abilities with the lasso, our trophy escaped. Cap'n Cassidy and I escaped unscathed, but the same could not be said of our red-shirted companion whom I have never mentioned and will not speak of again. His home is now eternally the river.
As we loaded the Hydro Thunder onto the trailer and left the Potomac behind us, I commented to Cap'n Cassidy, "That was certainly worth the eight dollars for the launch fee."
"It certainly was, Cap'n Rev," he replied. "It certainly was."
*Nautician = A word made up by Cap'n Cassidy to describe a person knowledgeable of things boaty.
